Wanted: Cloud Strife's hair
by Riku's Dark Vampire Girl
Summary: Not the best title in world, but oh well. Cloud doesn't want his hair cut so he goes on the run away from the authorities. Chapters later maybe funnier.
1. Chapter 1

This is something I wanted to try for no reason.

The sun beat down hard on Cloud's villa (Almost burning a hole through the roof). Everybody was sleeping like rocks when there's almost everything to do outside, but since Meteor was gone and Sephiroth ran off with a spoon, there was nothing to do.

In Cloud's room, Cloud's overly spikey hair was sticking into his pillow. "I wanna another block of cheese" he mumbles in his sleep. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Happy Cat says it's time to get up!" his alarm clock that's in the shape of a cat smiling like the chesire cat yells. Cloud is still sleeping. "Ha! Ha! Ha! It's a beautiful morning! Get up!" it yells. Cloud turns over. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Happy Cat is not kidding! Get up!" it starts to shake. The buster sword slices it in two. "I swear Cid got me this thing to annoy me" Cloud puts the sword next to his bed. He gets up and walks into the bathroom. "Hello, handsome!" he looks in the mirror. He brushes his teeth with a toothbrush that's in the shape of his sword and puts his clothes on without even noticing the pillow is stuck to his spikes. Walking out of the room, he says hi to Tifa as she passes by. "Um, Cloud. Your pillow is stuck to your hair" she points to her head. He looks up and rips it off.

"Oh, that was smart. Don't expect me to lend you my pillow again!" Tifa walks away. "So my pillow likes me. What's wrong with that?" Cloud shrugs. He walks down the stairs to the kitchen for breakfast. He gets a pan and some pancake mix out and starts to make pancakes (What else could you use that stuff for?). Yuffie sneaks out of her room and down the stairs wearing...a white bunny suit? "I love pancakes!" Cloud smiles. He flips some pancakes into the air and they land on his spikes. Yuffie sneaks over to the cupboard and takes out a cereal box. "You!" Cloud points his pan at Yuffie. She turns around and screams seeing Cloud jump at her. "Stupid rabbit! Trix are for kids! Not for you!" Cloud beats the pan on her head (Eh, thought it would fit in somehow). "Even as the white rabbit you guys won't let me have cereal!" Yuffie takes off the outfit. "It has sugar in it and sugar makes you way to hyper to take care of!" Cloud throws the pan at her.

"You're no fun!" she stomps up the stairs. Cid walks down the stairs and over to Cloud. "Hey, chocobo boy" he tries not to laugh. "Good morning!" Cloud turns around smiling like crazy. "Your hair having breakfast?" Cid bursts out laughing and rolls on the floor. Cloud looks up and sees the pancakes stuck to his hair. "Hair needs nutrients" Cloud shrugs. Cid stops laughing and sweatdrops. "You're an idiot" he gets up and walks out the door. "Whatever" Cloud goes back to cooking his pancakes. After breakfast, he goes out for a walk. His hair is harpooning birds and people in the eyes. "What's up with people? Too ugly to look at the handsome me?" Cloud stops and poses. Some kid with a balloon walks past him and his hair pops it. "That guy popped my balloon!" he points at Cloud. An angry mob forms and chases after him.

"What did I do!" he runs over the plains. He catches a ride to Cosmo Canyon. "So, you want to learn why Jupiter has that spot on its butt?" Bugenhagen asks Cloud. "Um, Sure" Cloud shrugs. They get into the machine and look at the planets. As Bugenhagen is explaining the reason, Cloud turns around and his hair pops Mercury. "What have you done!" Bugen exclaims. Cloud turns back around and pops Saturn. "Sorry!" he smiles sheepishly. He tries to yank the remainings out of his hair as he searches for the button, but instead pops almost every planet. He finally finds the button and brings down the platform. "Oops" he looks up at the strings and wires left on the ceiling. Bugen starts to get all steamy and red. "I guess I'll be going now!" Cloud runs out the door. "I guess I won't be bothering him for a while" Cloud stiffly walks back to the villa.

Marlene is sitting on the front step, basically looking sad. "Uncle Cloud!" she looks up at him as he walks up to her. "Uncle? That makes me sound old" he raises an eyebrow. "Could you tie my shoes?" she asks. "Is that it? Why can't anybody else do it?' he asks. "My dad'll kill me with his gun arm, Yuffie will steal something from me, Tifa's 'you know whats' will get in the way, Vincent's claw will kill me too, Cait just plain can't do it-" Alright, Alright!" Cloud cuts her off. He bends down, causing his spikes to scratch her chest down. "Ow" she tries not to cry. "Did you say something?" Cloud looks back up, scratching her again. She shakes her head slowly in pain. He looks back down and scratches her again. "Done!" he looks back up. "What's up with you? You look like you're in pain" Cloud asks. "I was just learning the pain of tieing shoes" she gets up and limps away.

"It couldn't be that bad. And what's up with her cuts?" he walks into the villa. As he walks in, he sees Barret sitting on the couch watching T.V. "What's up, foo?" he asks. "Nothing" Cloud answers. Cloud trips on a box and falls over the couch, scratching Barrets arm. "Sorry" Cloud gets up and walks away. Barret falls to the ground, clutching his arm and cursing every word in the book. "Language dude!" Cloud yells down to him as he walks up the stairs. Vincent is sleeping on the ceiling (He really should be a vampire), when Cloud walks by and his hair catches onto his cape. Vincent wakes up realizing he's being dragged across the floor. "Cloud, what're you doing?" Vincent looks over to him. "Going to my room!" Cloud skips down the hall. "Have you noticed that you're DRAGGING ME WITH YOU!" Vincent yells. Cloud stops and sees his hair has latched onto Vinnie's cape.

"Sorry!" he rips the cape off his spike. "It took me forever to make that cape!" Vincent holds the ripped cape in his hands, about to cry. "I can help you repair it!" Cloud tries to calm him down. "Just...go away!" Vincent clutches it. "Okay..." Cloud walks away slowly. "Everybody's been mad at me lately. What's wrong with these people?" Cloud mopes to his room. He plops down onto his bed and looks at his picture of Zack. "If you were here Zack, what would you do?" he holds the picture. "I am here!" Zack pops in through the window. "Where have you been! Do you know how many times I've needed you?" Cloud tackles him to the ground. "Sorry, I've been in the hospital for a while" Zack shurgs. "Like five freakin years!" Cloud shakes him.

"Anyways, your hair is way to spikey. Have you noticed the people you've harpooned with that thorn bush?" Zack points to his head. "Is that why my hair is turning red all of sudden?" Cloud puts his hand on his hair looks at it to find blood all over it. "Exactly" Zack pushes him off. "Tifa's gonna talk to you about that" Zack stands up and brushes himself off. "What about that Crono guy? His hair is spikey and you don't see Lucca or Marle complaining about it!" Cloud whines. "His hair points different ways, not in people faces" Zack helps him up. "What about you?" Cloud points at him. "My hair only kills the people in the back of me, not all around" Zack brushes his hair back. "Like that Axel guy?" Cloud tilts his head. Axel tries to climb up into the window, but Zack pushes him out. "I wanna be in a fanfic!" he yells as he falls.

"So what're you gonna do about it?" Zack asks. "Sleep my troubles away" Cloud lays back down on his bed. "Whatever, I'm gonna go to the arcade" Zack walks out the door.

Later that night...

"Cloud? Cloud, wake up" Tifa shakes Cloud. Cloud groans and pushes her hand off him. "Get up you -beep-" Cid pokes him with the Venus Gospel in the butt. He automatically falls off the bed. "You're gonna harpoon almost anybody with that!" Cloud holds his butt. "We need to talk" Vincent crosses his arms. "About what?" Cloud gets up. "About yo hair, foo!" Barret yells. "We think it needs to be cut" Tifa smiles sweetly. "CUT!" Cloud holds his hair, stabbing a small hole in his hand. "Yeah, it's been killing all of us ever since we beat Sephiroth" Cait raises his hands in the air. "What have I done to you?" Cloud points. "You've killed 30 other Cait Sith robots" Cait Sith is about to pound him, but Yuffie and Tifa hold him back. "What we're trying to say is, cut your hair and we won't kill you" Tifa struggles to hold him back. "No! You can't make me do it!" Cloud jumps out the window and runs away. "Great, we have to put up wanted signs again, but for a chocobo looking guy and not a ninja" Cid throws his arms up in the air.


	2. A Chocobo or An Idiot?

How did Cloud's hair get like that?

"Cloud Strife, please come out now!" Tifa yells through a megaphone on the deck of the Highwind. "Give me that!" Cait snatches it away. She tries to pull it back and throws him over the edge. "Cloud Strife!" she calls again. "Where is that chocobo head?" Barret looks out the window. "What about that chocobo field over there?" Yuffie points to a huge blotch of yellow. "We could try there, but I don't see him. We already sent Vincent out anyways" Tifa bends over a little closer. Vincent comes flying onto the deck on Chaos's wings. "Is he down there?" Cid asks from the cockpit. "Yes, but that's not all" Vincent answers. "What else could be down there?" Yuffie squints down at the chocobos. "He's naked" Vincent shakes his head. "WHAT!" the whole team yells. "He's running around in the nude, stripped, you know" Vinnie shrugs.

"Well, everybody hang on!" Cid steers the ship down. "We haven't even gotten into the cockpit yet!" Tifa yells as she grabs onto the rails. The emergency alarm beeps as the ships goes down. "Geronimo!" one of the crew jumps off the side. "You're fired!" Cid shakes his fist down at him. The Highwind crashes straight into some mountains nearby and nearly explodes. "Everybody alright?" Barret still holds onto the rail. Nobody moves. "I'll take that as a yes" Barret lets go and stumbles into the cockpit. "No wonder Cid hired those workers!" Yuffie tries to climp onto the rail, but lets go and throws up over the edge. "Well, at least we're near Cloud" Tifa scoots a little bit away from Yuffie. They climb off the bridge and onto the mountain trail, Barret leading and Vincent behind. "Don't forget about me!" Red jumps off the deck.

"Where have you been?" Cid looks behind him. "Yuffie locked me in the bathroom for six days after stealing my materia, but one of the crew members slid into the door and bust it open" Red walks in front of Vincent. "Just to fill you in, we're looking for Cloud so we can cut his hair" Yuffie skips happily. "How do I know you're not lying to me?" Red looks up at her suspicously. "Now would I steer you wrong?" she smiles innocently. "Yes, yes you would" Cid nods his head. "You poop!" she starts to stomp her way down. "Oooooh, sheep!" Tifa points at a flock of sheep next to the mountain. Vincent jumps down and then comes back up. "Sheep? I don't see and sheep" Barret looks to the side. "There were some a few seconds ago" Tifa shrugs.

"Oooooh, a field of pretty flowers!" she points to a patch of flowers. Vincent jumps back down and comes back up again. "Flowers? They look dead to me" Yuffie looks to the side. "But, there were so bright and pretty" Tifa tries to explain. "Oooooh, a baby chocobo!" she points to a white chocobo with its parent. Vincent jumps down again and comes back up. "All the chocobos are over there, what're you talking about?" Cid looks down to nothing. "How does this keep happening!" she looks around.

She turns around to see Vincent trying to look completely innocent expect for the chocobo feathers, flower petals, and sheep wool on his shoulder. "What?" he brushes them off. "You didn't do what I think you did, did you?" Tifa turns to him and puts her hands on her hips. "Fine, I killed the sheep, I poisoned the flowers, and I ate the chocobo" he looks down. "Oh, okay" she puts her hand to the sides. They finally get into the chocobo area. "How the heck do we -beep- find him!" Cid looks around. "He's naked so he should be easy to find" Red looks around. "But the hair! His hair looks like a chocobos!" Barret tries to jump higher to see over the chocobos. "Then we'll just have to start looking" Tifa sighs. "Or, we could use somebody's nose" Yuffie smirks. "Like who's?" Red asks.

They all look down at him and smile. "No! After having to sniff Cloud's shirt to find his sword, I'm not gonna do it!" he turns away. "Will you do it for a Scooby Snack?" Tifa takes out a box from behind her back (How do those things get back there?). "Welllllll, okay!" he jumps at her and snatches the box. He chugs them down and starts to sniff. He keeps sniffing until he finds Cloud talking to a bunch of chocobos. He's wearing a beak, bird boots and fake chocobo wings and tail feathers. "What're you doing?" Tifa taps on his shoulder. He turns around and hides behind a chocobo. "Um, wark wark?" Cloud smiles sheepishly. "You're getting the haircut!" Barret points his gun at him. "No!" Cloud crosses his arms. "You're gonna get it, and you're gonna like it!" Yuffie taps her foot.

"No!" he yells. "At least have some dignity and put your clothes back on" Vincent hands him his clothes. "Fine, but you'll never take me alive!" Cloud snatches the clothes and runs off. He warks something to the chocobos and they turn to Avalanche. "What'd he say to them?" Red looks up. The chocobos start to stampede all over them. Everybody is almost drowning in the ocean of stampeding chocobos except for Vincent who's flying on Chaos's wings. "Vincent! Help us!" Yuffie yells. "Why should I?" he looks away. "Think of what we've done for you, foo!" Barret tries to swim to the surface.

Vincent thinks back to when Yuffie replaced his hair shampoo with blue hair dye, when Barret replaced the sugar with salt when he was making a cake, when Tifa kept asking if he could paint a picture of her after he kept saying no, when Cid put on his cape and pretended to be a superhero and when Red jumped on the bed and slept on him (My dog does that. It's annoying!). "Nope!" he smiles. "Vincent!" they all yell at once. "Fine, but you owe me!" he turns into Galian and scares the chocobos away. "Thanks, Vince" Cid tries to catch his breath. "Whatever" Vincent changes back. "So, he got away?" Red spits out a bunch of yellow feathers. "Yep" Yuffie looks around. "This might be the start of a crucial chase" Red looks down and shakes his head. "We better go back to the Highwind and get ourselves in gear" Cid picks up his Venus Gospel and walks back to the mountains. "Man! Who knows where that dork could be!" Yuffie wipes the bird poop off her. "We'll just have to keep looking" Tifa looks around the horizon. "This is gonna be a long day" Barret slaps his hand on his forehead (Does it even turn night there?).


End file.
